


Starry Eyed Love

by darlingcarmilla



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Carmilla's POV, F/F, Ficlet, POV First Person, Short One Shot, broody gay carmilla, drama queen carmilla, philosophical broodiness, pretty language?, tiny gay laura
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-10
Updated: 2014-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-20 14:59:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2432990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darlingcarmilla/pseuds/darlingcarmilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short ficlet from Carmilla's POV in which she is generally broody and philosophical and incredibly gay, it all written in more eloquent language because that's my favourite style of writing, so...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Starry Eyed Love

I always sit here, pondering things... things far beyond our imagination or perception. I know this. I know that there are many things beyond my awareness. But at least I know, at least I acknowledge that even those things which shine so brightly on the darkest of nights are infinitely incomprehensible. Certainly, our earth, and our world might be reduced to scientific formulas and explanations, but I prefer to focus my awareness in the abstract, the possibility. Dear Heavens, Lord, I say these words, I murmur these divine names in my mind, calling on unreal, ridiculous creatures which humans created to protect their little world, to explain the inexplicable, and sometimes the gruesome. The things they don't want to understand, despite the availability of an explanation. I once believed in those creatures myself... the mystical, wondrous beings. Those who would guide us through hardships, lend their names to difficult situations. But now I am free from such trivialities as those. It is sometimes sad, though, to cut ties with my blissful naivety, to see all the gruesome things in their true forms. I still rely on the names of these so-called “gods” to express the grave nature of my situation. When I have none else to turn to, my human nature supplies me with false ideas, traditions, lacking meaning. Bare husks of ideas from a life I left behind many years ago. 

I have, many a time since the night of my love's horrific end, done all I could to preserve those Mother employed me to harm. Laura knows nothing of this. God knows nothing of this either, he does not exist, yet I repeat his name over and over in my mind. I am riddled with sadness and anxiety each night as the new victim smothers me yet again with a personality I cannot help but indulge in. You may wonder how I might indulge in a personality, but it is simple, Laura is a perfectly sinful and forbidden thing which I find myself growing in hunger and endearment for, over and over again. She touches my unbeating heart and revives some spark in it, some spark which has not been ignited for centuries. Since the tragic night and incidents which befell my first love, Elle, I cannot bear to dwell on the Laura's future. While, I have helped some victims of my Mother, I fear every action Laura takes is only solidifying some danger in her future. Darling, precious Laura, the spark in her eyes gives me the strength I might otherwise gain from a thousand stars. My being trapped, in a dark and grotesque manner, starving, yet not allowed to die, struggling in the helpless misery Mother gave me was only by one thing lessened and numbed. Stars have been my one saviour, my comfort among all the horrible nights I endured my suffering, bright glimmers of hope in an empty, dead night. Even once removed from that miserable hell-like state, it still haunts me, plagues my dreams. In the darkness I feel trapped without the light which stars provide. A small, yet impressive comfort I have come to rely on. Yet, in my many years enduring the pain which has stayed itself inside me, the fear and panic which still lingers in my mind, I have found no greater comfort than Laura. Though she detests me. I know I cannot display my reliance on her openly. It is not only a weakness I must not expose to anyone (for, I must remain to protect her, though she is strong and clever, she must need a vampire who is aware of the situation to ensure her safety), but it may drive her away to a dangerous place... or worse... if she actually returns my feelings (I know that cannot be a reality, I hate to even think it, for it is a ridiculous idea which encourages false hope and delusion) it will encourage me and put her in more danger than she is already in. 

And yet, I feel my whole body aching with this incredible desire, this adoration, this complete and utter surrender to Laura. I whisper cautionary words to myself, wise words. I have had such an experience before, I know I must be cautious, I must be weary of myself, mostly for Laura's sake. Yet I heed none of my cautionary advice, and instead I find myself drawn progressively toward her, instinctively, almost. It is a dreadful, dreadful thing. Laura deserves none of my attentions, none of my secret reliance on her either. I hope she does not notice. She will continue on with her dangerous search and I feel instinctively that I must pull her to my breast and hold her firmly murmuring sweet and kind words, reassuring her that I will save her friends, that I will save her, that she must stop this nonsense and I will protect her. But I drop my arms casually. I have practised this. I have had time to practise casualness, despite the ache I can feel, the yearning to reach out and hold her protectively, the kiss her and compliment her and take her away from the troubles surrounding us. But I can only lie in wait, enduring these torturous days, feigning some interest in other things, attempting to distract myself with social engagements I hardly remember... It's all too taxing, too anxiety inducing. Yet, I would endure the fictional flame-pits of Hell for Laura, should they come into existence. I would do anything she wished if I knew she would remain safe and her happiness were guaranteed. But my situation is so different, and this... child. This idiotic, petulant child has stolen my love without realising it, and I must helplessly drown in her ignorance as I wait for some revelation to occur, some change in the atmosphere. I, magnificent, and long-enduring, revered in my vampiric fame, have succumbed to the charms and have become reliant on this impressively, darling, endearing small child. I adore her and I long for her. Me, with all my experience. So I will go on hating her, or pretending to, until... some thing, some... event. I am uncertain of what that might be, but until then, I will selfishly rely on her, and dote on her, like a fool.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it, if so please comment...?  
> Anyhow, thank you if you have read this.


End file.
